open relationships and traditionalist shaming
People in the bay area, more specifically people who live in San Francisco, pride themselves on being sexually liberated. We love our kinks, fetishes, and progressive perspectives on relationships. In fact, we have numerous street fairs to show the world exactly how crazy awesome we are.
A relatively recent trend, that is becoming more and more of a social phenomenon (leave your whips and blindfolds at home), is the open relationship. There are many arguments for open relationships. People in them have to explain themselves so much that they become defensive and tend to start “traditionalist shaming”:
- Natural biological impulses and the pull of the counterculture. It’s only natural to want to sleep with more than one person, so why are you allowing society’s values to define what you do? Monogamy is not normal - it’s a social construct.
- Feminists love the idea. In a patriarchal society, it’s acceptable for men to have multiple partners, but women are expected to stay chaste and loyal. Being polyamorous empowers women to sleep around as well. With the advent of birth control, monogamy has become outdated.
- Rise above your petty emotions. You are the “bigger person” if you can rise above vices like jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and selfishness.
I’ve been guilty of doing it: “Why do you think open relationships are weird? You should be more open-minded and tolerant of alternative lifestyles. It’s natural not to want to sleep with just one person for the rest of your life; you shouldn’t have to secretly repress these urges as long as you are open and honest with your partner. Repressed people in the bible belt tend to do some seriously fucked up shit like molest little boys.” So suddenly you go from being a prude to being a child molester. No bueno.
But I have a secret: I don’t think I would be able to handle an open relationship. Casual dating and hookups, yes, but I think I would feel too guilty and be too jealous to have a functional open relationship. Relationships are hard enough, and your personal time is limited, so why complicate things? I guess this makes me a closet prude.
To the people who claim to support open relationships but are not currently in one: Can you actually do it? Or is it all talk?
Related readings: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton, Vanessa’s blog series should be good.
